lost of love...or just paranoid

when things hit you, that realization that you have been trying to avoid. the one that as it enters your mind you try to still push it away. then all the other thoughts start coming in as well. my perfectly constructed fortress of self preservation and my defense tactics and maneuvers come rushing to me, to aid me in my distress. their good to have, i never have to call on them, their just always there, to protect me and keep me well. well, they are now swirling around in my mind, just which one i'm going to act on is the question. and when you hear the words, tell me what's wrong, but your....or maybe i should say i, are just so good at shoving those things down because to me, uttering them is like some kind of weird taboo or something, so instead of getting down to the issue and letting someone hear me out...but then do i want to hear alll the crap most people have to say in situations like this. do i really feel like sticking my head in a garbage can and let in, garbage fall all over my head. nope, don't really feel like letting that happen. so maybe i can be my awesome passive aggressive self and let my plan for world domination go into effect. this little battle, scermage will be entitled, will death do us part. ok, that may be a little dramatic. how about, i'm not changing anymore, and i am going to do what i want.....even though my want is not that exciting. i still want to do my want. everything clicked, the realization came....but i do not like what i see. insercurity, maybe.....probably, but whatever it is i don't like it.