aside from my normal entries i wanted to introduce something...something i've been working on. i've been making some artwork that has been very therapeutic for me. something very tragic has happened in my small and remote world. shook me to the faintest little breathe my lungs could expel.
i went through a period of immense sadness. i'm not one to dwell on things too much, but i still had and still have all this emotional and mental anguish to deal with. i am in my life, can see how this experience has changed me, see how i am doing things different, but it's like i have no control over the situation. i think this is just a process that i have to go through. at least i am somewhat conscious of the things that are happening....i am so sad i can't even get my woes out through words like i like to consider myself so good at, so i have been making pictures.
they are very melancholy and sad but i feel great comfort in them. i have a bunch done and soon i will be taking pictures of them all and possibly making a short story about each one.....though i am not sure of my writing skills at the moment.
slowly i will be making my creations visible to the world. we'll see how it goes.
i want the explosion to happen. i want my mind to let go. i want the ends to slowly pull away from the reality i'm in. just like a trip...when you wake up and see a different sunrise. like every little thing about you changed just a tiny little bit. the wind feels different in your hair. it feels like that tonite for some reason, but not all the way. maybe something is happening somewhere, and my mind is in the right type of thinking to pick it up. i wonder what a serial killer thinks as he's about to kill his next victim. is his whole trip just a series of unspeakable thing or thoughts and when he lets loose of his shitty reality and lets someone's blood flow, his minds breaks...in a good way...and that is his release. just the air of tonite hit me just right. i liked it. i want something to happen. or the trip of some rock star who's ready to get his dick sucked by some groupie...of the nothingness that's behind a deer's eyes when you get a close up look at them. god this was so much better in the car. the light of my desk and the computer screen are taking away what i felt outside. i want a reawakening. but without the mind blowing drugs. i want a feeling i can't quit explain right now but someone's who felt it knows what i'm talking about. i want to wake up to something better...and not in a material sense...so if my mind can't ascend into something better, maybe just the corners letting go for a little will just have to do. just something a little bit different. i want to see the sunrise a little different, and feel a different breeze blow through my hair. i want an explosion.
here goes another sad tale. i fight with a torment sometimes and i don't like it. as i sit in my protective bubble i've created for myself and look around at all the chaos that goes on outside of my bubble. the stupid feelings that completely take someone over...their dribble of heart ache...the retarded decisions they make...the other poeple who get offended...the idiotic friends there to tell them it will be alright...and the cheated on significant other who is always there to take them back. life is all over the place and i deal with none of it. it is out of my own decision to walk away from any and all of this in route to my nice comfy house with all my cool shit and my cat. but sometimes i almost wish i was as moronic as the rest because sometimes i feel like i'm missing out on all this commotion. i am just so responsible...i am always called on when someone has 'really done it'. so this is my role in it all? to bring boring reason and sense to the situation. to tell people to think about what they are doing and ask them if they really think whatever it is they want to do a good idea. i delivered pizza to some guy yesterday and i had to call him because i forgot where his house was. as soon as i heard his voice i remember exactly where it was. he always drunk and sounds like some old reformed hippie. he's a really nice guy and he seems like his life is together. now i think of the completely sober bitchy ass women that as soon as they open their bitch mouth you want to punch them in the face. i really hope i'm not that woman. i don't think i am, but how i percieve things is very different from how things may be. and this little stoner kid always asks me to come hang out with him. i politely decline because honestly i have no interest in doing so and he jokes to me that i have no friends and i am a bummer. this really bothers me, and it's because sometimes i think the same thing about myself...bummer wise. and the times i do feel like running around, i have no run around friends so i can't...and this irriates me. but i guess this is a good thing because i would probably just get into trouble. maybe there is something up my ass. maybe because i've been practically laid up for the last 3 months and am now finally starting to feel better i have all this pent up energy that i need to do something fun with. not a bad fun, just get out and act a little crazy fun...in the best way possible. haha. if this makes sense to all the people that are not reading this, good. if not...i know what i'm talking about. this is not as goood as talking to another human about this shit...but maybe i am building up my writing skills by doing it this way...plus everyone is working now.
well, my loneliness is getting to me. this is not of other people's doing, but of my own seperativeness. i find myself in a habit of nothingness and mind garbage. doing nothing, giving nothing, experiencing nothing new. i've closed my own box and now i feel i'm suffocating. i have people in my life but i feel like i'm keeping them at bay. nothing new. nothing exciting. i've fallen into such a schedule to save my life, but it's this boring regimen that is making me feel so far away. maybe it's winter, maybe it's my house, maybe the god forsaken tv of garbage, but for what ever the complete sum of all of this is i need to do something different. i think i've changed what i used to consider fun but this new fun that i programed myself for, the safe fun, isn't doing what the old fun did for me. but i don't want the old fun anymore, i just have to let myself get as much as the old fun gave to me. maybe just a bad day, a bad month, but i miss the closeness of everything. i miss the very basic almost atomic level commoness and connectiveness that i used to encounter on a daily basis. even when i talk i can hear the dribble come out and want it to be more. now i am so common place, that is what i needed, but now it's killing me...my soul. addictiveness. from one extreme to the other, and in the end they are both killing me. but this time is slowing and not as fun. i've come to this wall and i will climb over it and find another way to be happy again. just like i always do. but god today sucks and i am defiantly sitting in my own muck. wallowing in it. fuck might as well have a party, all guests are myself. that is what it seems like i've been doing. i am a little depressed today. i'm sick of stores, i need to create. i always feel good when i do that. but then the goddamn issue of me being witty enough to be making money at this. but that is a different discussion completely. for another time. bye.
