Sunday, February 14, 2010

the abyss is closing in

well, my loneliness is getting to me. this is not of other people's doing, but of my own seperativeness. i find myself in a habit of nothingness and mind garbage. doing nothing, giving nothing, experiencing nothing new. i've closed my own box and now i feel i'm suffocating. i have people in my life but i feel like i'm keeping them at bay. nothing new. nothing exciting. i've fallen into such a schedule to save my life, but it's this boring regimen that is making me feel so far away. maybe it's winter, maybe it's my house, maybe the god forsaken tv of garbage, but for what ever the complete sum of all of this is i need to do something different. i think i've changed what i used to consider fun but this new fun that i programed myself for, the safe fun, isn't doing what the old fun did for me. but i don't want the old fun anymore, i just have to let myself get as much as the old fun gave to me. maybe just a bad day, a bad month, but i miss the closeness of everything. i miss the very basic almost atomic level commoness and connectiveness that i used to encounter on a daily basis. even when i talk i can hear the dribble come out and want it to be more. now i am so common place, that is what i needed, but now it's killing soul. addictiveness. from one extreme to the other, and in the end they are both killing me. but this time is slowing and not as fun. i've come to this wall and i will climb over it and find another way to be happy again. just like i always do. but god today sucks and i am defiantly sitting in my own muck. wallowing in it. fuck might as well have a party, all guests are myself. that is what it seems like i've been doing. i am a little depressed today. i'm sick of stores, i need to create. i always feel good when i do that. but then the goddamn issue of me being witty enough to be making money at this. but that is a different discussion completely. for another time. bye.