this is my first blog...so bear with me. i have been lost for something lately. whether it's happiness or contentment or excitement or thoughtfulness or deceitfulness or cunning or togetherness or spirituality or knowing or wondering or finding out or being or anything else one can feel away from...i'm not sure. i do know something is missing. people are disappointing me alot and i am starting to think i am taking things not as they should be taken. maybe i see the things in myself i don't like on the faces or in the actions of the people i am close to and i push them away until lately i'm feeling i don't really have anything. and the more things bother me the more i push this shit down into some place to be ignored until i have pushed so many things down there that i am becoming numb to the world. and life is happily or horrifyingly passing me by...as i numbly and slowly move down the street to my next destination and get the next task finished on time. i do these tasks as best i can and just keep moving, yet at times i feel like i haven't moved at all. and alone. people's passive aggressive actions towards me piss me off but i don't know of a way to talk it out without making things worse. so again i pack even more things down to be ignored...but this is coming from a place that usually is safe and whatever. people talk to me on the phone and just want to see if i'm mad then quickly get off. i feel into a little abyss and am trying to find a way out. very numbly, mostly calmly when i'm by myself and watch the world self destruct all around me. i cannot make myself stay out of the way. i am the hero and will save the day...by myself. i distance myself from things and people i can bearly tolerate and creep back into myself. i happy spouting out has long vanished. only to be replace with deep thought and retrospect that is really very useless. endless bitching about everything i don't like has somehow replaced my normal conversation. i hear this garbage come out of my mouth and wish i was a different person. someone who had a better outlook on things and more answers to these endless problems. these problems that are mountains that are goddamn creating civilizations and corruptness is breeding and being passed down to the kids. this whirlwind of trailer parks and sidewalks and getting your driving license and wearing band t shirts and washing all thought from your brain with a barrage of drugs and smut only to come out on the other side with what? running around like a nut until the struggles start to give way to needing a day to rest. jesus christ and i fucking go along with this shit. like a dumb retard, like a perfectly trained sheep following the herd. i stand perfectly bent over waiting for the next dick to come by and tell me how things should be done. little outbursts here and there but nothing meaningful and just more shit to come. as i very dedicatedly work hard for the shit pills to keep coming. dare not think that one day i may get bored my myself sitting alone thinking about broken thoughts trying to piece things back together with a broken mind. laughing at mind rot and excited to eat a tv dinner. great...and as the years go by and my health deterates hopefully one day i can afford some health insurance to i can keep my miserable exsistance going for as long as possible. watch more despair and laugh at shit that isn't funny or just nod because i have no idea what the fuck you just said. sorry...to busy making boxes. just nod and smile and put my eyes back down so i can concentrate on nothing and do my job right. so i can get back home to my empty house...let me correct myself...my apartment, which i can barely afford and eat another tv dinner. or maybe pickles and crackers tonite. yes, that's what i'm in the mood for. delicious. mmmmmmm. i'll look at my hands and know i should be doing something with them but i got this weird mindfuck that if i'm not specifically doing something specific i feel like i'm wasting my time...so i do nothing. let a whole lot of nothing take the place of another whole lot of nothing until i get the call to go pick up her meds. or be told i'm not first string of your friends, i have to wait until someone drops out, then i get the call. makes me feel great. so it's time to go home. on my $15 chair that i really do like, and stew till i'm just right. waste a little time, but that's almost up. i have a huge test on tuesday and i really have to start studying because i know it's gonna be killer and i don't want to fail.